Monday, 13 April 2015

Here she goes again...

Tonight has really been one of those 'feel everything' nights. Feeling everything inside, but nothing happening on the outside. I decided to watch Love, Rosie. Not for any particular reason, except for the fact that I love a hopelessly romantic, cheesy film from time to time - and what better time than on a Sunday? So, while I sit here, feeling all the butterflies in my tummy, it doesn't take long until reality kicks in again. That's why I love those films. No, they're not exactly feminist. They would never pass the Bechdal test. But they do allow you to go into a world of fantasy that seems almost reachable. I guess that would be why they're so incredibly bad for you. Especially someone like me.

I never shy away from my romantic life on this blog. Maybe that's because nothing ever happens. But I think even announcing that is brave. It never feels 'normal' for a nineteen year old to be single and have no prospects of anything other than that, and yet here I am. That's why I think it's brave, because I'm stupidly paranoid about it. Now, I know it's wrong to even put that word 'normal' into a sentence when discussing teenage life (emphasis on the inverted commas), because everyone's different. But going from my experience, I can feel slightly pitied and even patronised when discussing romantic endeavours. I mean, come on, even calling sex and relationships 'romantic endeavours' screams virgin. I like to believe this patronising is all in my head and no one really cares, but that's hard to convince yourself when all anyone wants to know and talk about is sex. 

I've convinced myself a lot of the time that I'm fine. I've never been in a relationship, meaning I don't know any different. But right now, I really want that to change. I really want people to be jealous of me. I really want someone to care for me - again, not very feminist. Actually, scrap that 'care for me', no, I want someone to care about me. I know my friends do, and I know they are great, but they have others they also care about. Who they care more about. I want to be somebody special to someone else. I want to know that when I get lonely, I always have someone to talk to. This paragraph has become incredibly selfish, but I think sometimes you need those selfish moments to reveal what you truly want. I promise, this will be the last selfish post for a while (I can't promise forever, it is my blog). 

This is why I should stop watching anything vaguely romantic. Crazy ideas get in my mind and I start comparing myself to fictional characters. Their life is scripted. Sometimes you can forget that about a film.


  1. I totally feel this. I think its very human to want to be incredibly special to someone, and when that gets filtered through the endless romance stories/films in our culture it can result in these 'but I want MY life to be a cheesy romcom too!!!' feelings. Don't worry about being un-feminist though, not having feelings like this is what makes you a person as opposed to a robot.

  2. i get what you're saying-- i think that humans want at our deepest levels to make (and keep) connections with other humans; and a romantic connection is portrayed as being so strange and so magical and one-in-a-million and unbreakable, that no one can really stop themselves from wanting a soulmate. i don't think it's unfeminist, it's natural. it's weird to see what your life is "supposed to be like" on a screen and have the images not match up, because like you said, it's all scripted-- but try to keep in mind that what is meant to happen will happen, and if it helps focus on surrounding yourself with /focusing on the things you have that make you happy.

    // kani


Have a comment? Type away!