Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Tinder is the Night

I think I was absent on the day everyone else learnt how to talk to the opposite sex. 

Maybe I'm stuck in the days of courting while everyone has moved on to Tinder.

Love is so lifeless now.

Through a screen.

I can't succumb to it.

But if I did, would I feel less lonely?

Less patronised?

Less embarrassed?

Less anxious?

I'm sick.

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Dear Taylor Swift #2

Dear Taylor Swift,

I can't help but worry about living with my University friends next year. Surely living with your friends that you love should make you ecstatic and excited and all the happy feelings in the world, but I'm not feeling it. I'm worried about the close-proximity of the house. I'm worried we're going to hate each other by the end. I'm worried about hearing bitchy comments. I'm worried that our friendship may fall apart all because we spend too much time together.

I started feeling this at the end of last term. We all study English which only leads to competitiveness with grades, which I just can't deal with. I need to live in a place where I don't feel judged. My heart is telling me that they don't judge me, and I believe it, until my head gets in the way and reminds me of my paranoia that is constantly there. We're just so alike and I think that's great, but don't we all get most annoyed with ourselves? And once you've realised your friends are just like you, do you start taking your annoyances out on them? I can't decide whether the ache in my stomach is caused by them, or by me being worried over our friendship.

I hadn't seen them for a while and then we went to a festival together. Tents, rain and mud are not the best arrangements for friends on heat. I constantly felt like I was annoying them and felt my presence was not worthy. I even over-heard bitching about me in the tent. Now, I know everyone is bitched about, I just don't want to hear it - and I'm sure everyone is the same. But I guess I should 'shake it off' and I DO! I'm a strong person in the fact that I know who I am, I know what I believe and my morals and ways to deal with life, but when you hear people you're very close to discuss them, it can be off-putting. It just reminded me of your lyric in 'Mean', 'pointing out my flaws again, as if I don't already see them.' People always want to think that they know you more than you know yourself but really what they say behind our backs has been going through our heads for months before. (That made sense in my head, it may not have here...)

I am currently on summer break, which is perfect to have some time to myself. Except I now have a shitty job that is treating me like crap, I have no time to see my home friends and I've lost the love for reading and writing. All this, plus the Uni friends situation, is stressing me out and just writing this here makes me realise how stupid I'm being. But I'm always thinking, and thinking leads to worrying which leads to asking your favourite singer for advice.

Maybe you could just take me away from my life for a few weeks in your private jet and pay me to hang out with you for the rest of the summer.

Love from,
Mabel x