Monday, 13 April 2015

Here she goes again...

Tonight has really been one of those 'feel everything' nights. Feeling everything inside, but nothing happening on the outside. I decided to watch Love, Rosie. Not for any particular reason, except for the fact that I love a hopelessly romantic, cheesy film from time to time - and what better time than on a Sunday? So, while I sit here, feeling all the butterflies in my tummy, it doesn't take long until reality kicks in again. That's why I love those films. No, they're not exactly feminist. They would never pass the Bechdal test. But they do allow you to go into a world of fantasy that seems almost reachable. I guess that would be why they're so incredibly bad for you. Especially someone like me.

I never shy away from my romantic life on this blog. Maybe that's because nothing ever happens. But I think even announcing that is brave. It never feels 'normal' for a nineteen year old to be single and have no prospects of anything other than that, and yet here I am. That's why I think it's brave, because I'm stupidly paranoid about it. Now, I know it's wrong to even put that word 'normal' into a sentence when discussing teenage life (emphasis on the inverted commas), because everyone's different. But going from my experience, I can feel slightly pitied and even patronised when discussing romantic endeavours. I mean, come on, even calling sex and relationships 'romantic endeavours' screams virgin. I like to believe this patronising is all in my head and no one really cares, but that's hard to convince yourself when all anyone wants to know and talk about is sex. 

I've convinced myself a lot of the time that I'm fine. I've never been in a relationship, meaning I don't know any different. But right now, I really want that to change. I really want people to be jealous of me. I really want someone to care for me - again, not very feminist. Actually, scrap that 'care for me', no, I want someone to care about me. I know my friends do, and I know they are great, but they have others they also care about. Who they care more about. I want to be somebody special to someone else. I want to know that when I get lonely, I always have someone to talk to. This paragraph has become incredibly selfish, but I think sometimes you need those selfish moments to reveal what you truly want. I promise, this will be the last selfish post for a while (I can't promise forever, it is my blog). 

This is why I should stop watching anything vaguely romantic. Crazy ideas get in my mind and I start comparing myself to fictional characters. Their life is scripted. Sometimes you can forget that about a film.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

The best people in life are free

I realise it has been quite a while, and for that, I am sorry. Or perhaps, you have not missed me at all? Is it not presumptuous of me to assume that many of you will be refreshing my blog for just one more post/sentence/word from me, a tear dropping on your keyboard each time nothing comes around? What a strange and sad image. Well, if you were like that (which I doubt), then wipe those tears off your keyboard! For here is Mabel, back in Birmingham after another term at University. You may be pleased to hear that it's all going well. I love the friends I have made and Bristol is the most amazing city, you should all come. But now I'm back in Bham, everything seems far more complicated. 

I have realised that being away from home can make you over-emphasise how great it was. While talking to my new friends in Bristol I would go on and on about an individual person ('oh, so and so does the funniest thing') and then you come back and all the shit rushes back. Of course I love it here as well. I love my family and my friends, but they're not normal. Well, who is? But being away, and comparing it with other people's family's that you don't know can make you think they are amazing. What I seemed to mainly forget was how dramatic my group of friends are. It's as if they thrive off drama, meaning they make it worse than it actually is. Why can't people just be easy on themselves and on others? Why does everything always have to be such a big deal? Ever since college I have lived my life assuming that everything will be crap, therefore, when it comes to it, it is crap but you're fine because you expected it, or it is better than you thought. For me, that makes life easier. If you have read my other blog posts you would probably know that is my mantra to living. Once you realise that life is shit, everything gets a tiny bit easier. 

I just wish others felt the same. When I have told people this the usual reply is that it's sad. Of course it is! But that's what life is! Life is filled with sad moments, however, once we realise this, the happy moments come as a shock and become more important to us. This year I began losing this though. I began getting my hopes up about situations and making little stories in my head before they happened. Of course, these narratives never happened (because that's not how life works, it's unfair) and I started to get very low. I had a constant numbing pain in my stomach and my head began comparing myself to others around me, making me dislike them while they did nothing wrong. I should have written a blog post instead of keeping it inside because it grew and grew until I broke down in the middle of a cafe with a friend. Luckily, the embarrassment of my tears made me realise how stupid it was to feel the way I did. Crying does not show weakness. Crying is strength. Crying makes you vulnerable in a way that screams, 'yes, I am being brave as I am showing you my emotions!' Most of all, crying lets all the bad thoughts out. What I'm trying to say is that if you've felt anxiety recently, have a good cry. I wouldn't necessarily suggest in a cafe in front of a lot of people, but perhaps with the closest person you know. Or if not, when you're alone, because even that takes strength, to reveal your emotions to yourself. 

Quite often these feelings can come from other people. Recently many of my friends have mentioned how someone's reaction to their feelings made them feel incredibly shit. What I'd also like you to realise (other than that life is shit) is that people are shit. People are great as well. But a lot of them are shit. You will be able to find the right people. But also, everyone is selfish one way or another. Everyone includes you and me. We never realise how much we affect other people because we're too busy thinking about whether we've done the right thing or not. Which may seem nice, and it is, but does this not also feed someone's ego? I don't mean to quote the most high culture sitcom of the 20th century, Friends (please note the sarcasm), but there's the whole episode where Phoebe tries to do good for others without building her own ego and it's impossible. But not only that, people are often thinking about themselves before thinking about others. Once we realise that the whole world doesn't revolve around ourselves, perhaps then it'll be simpler. But til then, we must not get bogged down when someone hasn't lived up to our standards of how they should be. Something might be amazing/stressful/important to you which is mediocre to someone else. 

I feel like this blog post was filled with many ideas that could be used in more than one post. But as I hadn't written in a while, I wanted to get it all down now! I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense, I'm tired and my head is filled with nonsense. I will try to keep up with the blog!