Imagine

I have a pretty good imagination. I always have. I have tons of stories that I like to read from when I was younger (one about a girl with no hair and finding a fairy to grow her hair? I don't know what was going in my mind that day). Most of the time I love it but recently it's become a nuisance. Do you ever imagine something that you want to happen and you plan it all out in your mind? I always do and it's always ludicrous. The reason this has become annoying to me is because every time it happens I realise, hey, that's never going to happen. So I get my hopes up for nothing and then I'm dissapointed.

 It wasn't til recently when I was reading 'I Capture the Castle' that I realised how much I did this. Cassandra (the main girl) was daydreaming about a wedding and when she snapped out of it she realised it was never going to happen. For some reason that never clicked in my brain before. I always thought there was a chance it still could. I never would daydream that aliens would take over the planet or I would find a dinosaur egg, I mostly imagine conversations with new people and how they would go and they seem like realistic things to dream about. Of course, I never even pluck up the courage to talk to them in the first place, let alone for that conversation to happen. 

I know everyone goes through this. We all daydream/imagine things. Better things. But now I always get cross when I do it. Before I fall asleep I like to plan out days in my head but now I can't because I know it's not going to work out like that. I have to live each day as they come, no matter how stressful they are. My life at the moment has been pretty stressful. I was really pleased with my results except one. It was really letting the pack down and I still can't stop thinking about it. I now probably have to re-think my whole University path which is why my daydreaming is not good. College doesn't help. We're meant to have decided what we want to do at University by now. But what if that all changes? What if we've all imagined our life as one thing and then it doesn't work out? These things happen and we shouldn't have to go through crap just because something has turned out differently. I wish life was smooth and easy but it never is and never will be. I just wish this sick feeling in my stomach would go away.

Other than that, I'm glad to be alive thanks to the arts. I went to see About Time last night which was a perfect feel-good film that really made me happy. Then tonight I watched The Impossible which was really life-affirming. I went to the Bristol University Open Day and I went to an English lecture. While I was there my stomach was feeling really sick and I thought I wouldn't be able to handle the stress. But then the lecturer said something that really helped. She said that when you see a piece of art or read a book or watch a film that is really good, just for a second, you are free. It's the only time you will ever be away from yourself and free. It's the thing we always want. It made me realise how helpful literature really is and how much I would love to study it.