I've played all my cards

I always seem to get inspiration for a blog post, a film, a book at night. I don't know whether it's because nothing else around me is happening and it's only me, my bed and my thoughts but I always regret never writing them down (I'm lazy) because I never remember them the next day. Who knows, I could have the answer to the meaning of life but I don't remember it. Sometimes I write notes on my phone when I have a blog post idea and I checked just now but all it has is films I want to watch, books I want to read and Christmas present ideas (how selfish). This isn't going to be one of those cheesy 'new year, new me' things because I've been a new person for seventeen years now and I'm bored. Now I have to focus on A Levels.

I have all my offers for University. How daunting is that? They've given me grades that I need to achieve by the end of the year but I don't want to think about that. I need to stop thinking about the future and take each day as it comes. Whenever someone says that, I don't really understand what they mean. We all go through each day, we can't ever skip one. 'Live in the moment' is such a cheesy saying that I'm cringing just thinking about it. You can't 'live in the fucking moment' without what happened in the past and what will happen in the future. I'm sick of thinking about what I will achieve when I'm older. What I want to be. Who I want to become. University is a place where people assume their prospects are so high, that everything will work out for them. But as soon as you leave, it's like leaving out the back of a building where it's all dark and mouldy and stinks of shit.

I'm not being a pessimist. I can't wait for University and the opportunities and all that crap but at the moment I want to take advantage of the fact that I'm still technically a child. I have my parents and friends. I don't feel like that's an unhealthy thought. So many people want to grow up but I'm the opposite, I would happily stay dependent on my mum but I know one day I'll have to walk through the door to the back of the building. But for now, I want to listen to Abba on my new record player and read all the shit books that make me happy and watch my favourite films.

I hope we all had a good Christmas. I go on YouTube a lot and so many people are doing the 'what they got for christmas' thing. I don't care. I just want to know if everyone was well. If you missed anyone. If the food was amazingggg. I also hope you had a good New Years. I spent mine with my friends. This will be the last New Year where we're all living in the same place and I'm not sure we're ready. I don't think anyone is ready for University, you just have to do it. I could easily be a hermit and stay in my bed and have no social interactions but you just have to do things to be a human being.

Oh yeah, I also really want to change my blog url because it's embarrassing but then isn't it really complicated to do? Don't you lose all your followers or something? 

All pictures from Tumblrrrrrrr.

I'm rambling on...

I'm finding it quite hard to know what to do with myself right now. I'm on holiday for a week (it's half term if you didn't already know) and I should probably be doing work but it's way too soon to start that crap, right?! I'm home alone and have no idea what to do so I'm writing this and I have no plan for it. I'm currently giving Prism (the Katy Perry album) another chance. I didn't like it when I first heard it, it seems better today. I also have fallen into the Miley Cyrus trap and decided to give Bangerz a listen...and I found myself enjoying it. I have no shame. It's becoming one of those days, y'know.

Last night I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It's definitely one of my favourite films. I love the line "Why do I always fall in love with every girl I see that gives me the slightest bit of attention?" Because I find myself doing that even though I know they have no feelings towards me. I also love the idea that even if you try and forget something that happened in your life, it will always come back. Clementine and Joel are destined to know each other. It's like when people say "if you could change anything about your life, what would it be?" And believe me, I have hundreds of answers for that. But after I've realised that no matter what, what happens in your life will always happen. I can't keep looking back because life is always going forward and I'll lose it. It's like what the late Lou Reed said, “I think life is far too short to concentrate on your past. I rather look into the future.” Gah, I love him. Keep walking on the wild side buddy. (Sorry, everyone's said that so I don't feel very imaginative).

I think we have to get past the mentality that it's bad to quit. In my opinion, quitting is the heroic thing. Realising that what you're doing is useless and a waste of your time is clever. What's the point of wasting your time on something you hate when life is so short? It's like when people say life's too short to read bad books and watch bad films. Life's also too short to continue with something that is making you a worse person. To realise that you need to quit what you're doing because it's pointless/hurting you in some way/boring is the brave thing to do. I know that was random but I've been thinking about it a lot.

Jealousy is an ugly feeling. I'd say it's probably the worst feeling. Annoyingly, I get it quite a lot but recently I've been pretty good and I'm trying my best to change it. It's like my mind just fills with this black crap and I feel like utter shit. It might be because I'm so painfully paranoid which runs in my family. I feel sorry for the people around me. I feel like they must have to tread on eggshells around me. I'm really trying to get better. I really am. When I do feel jealous, I get away for a bit and breathe. I think about the situation and realise how silly I'm being. Then, hopefully, the black in my mind goes away and I feel good. Then I have a good time. Next time, I need to remember how happy I feel after I've thought it through then soon, that jealous feeling will dissapear. But just like everything that's hard to get through, it'll take time.

Prism has finished. I'm now listening to Bangerz. What have I become? I could be doing something productive now like my History or English coursework...ew...don't make me think about that. It's Monday 28th October and there's meant to be a huge storm in Britain. It's not raining at the moment in Birmingham. How disappointing. In 2005 (I think), there was a tornado in Birmingham. That was pretty cool. A tornado in Birmingham?! Who would've thought?!

I seem to be rambling on. I doubt people have read all of this. I wouldn't if it was me so I don't blame you. I've already started thinking about Christmas even though it's always pretty depressing. (BAH HUMBUG). What are you guys going to ask Father Christmas for? Because he exists. He does. 

I find myself always wanting to get drunk. I seem to always look forward to the next time I can get properly pissed. It's just some fun when you have such a boring life.

Oh, I can't wait for this year to be over.

I don't own any of these pictures...all were found on Tumblr as usual.