Awakening

Well, it's been a long time hasn't it? I don't know how it came to be such a long time since I wrote my last blog post. Each day comes and goes as quickly as the last and from reading to writing essays, it's been hard to keep up! As you probably all know, I'm currently studying English at the University of Bristol, and despite my rather ambiguous last post (hey, I'm and English student, I live for ambiguity!) I am actually having a good time. I've met some great people who are very similar to me and Bristol is an amazingly vibrant and bright city. Weekends can be quite slow, however, as my main friend and flatmate is usually working through the day until midnight and other people are stuck with work: after Fresher's week, life continues!

As I've already said, we've had a lot of stressful essays to do already and before I break up I have two more: one 2500 word essay and one 4000 word essay. They really are sticking us in the deep end! We've been doing a poetry module which I'm loving. I've found a new found love for Keats and have decided that if more people were like him, the world would be a much better place. I also have written my first ever poem today as it was a task set by my tutor. I'll write it up at the bottom of the blog post. It's based on the book The Awakening by Kate Chopin which I am meant to have read for my Critical Issues seminar. For all you feminists out there, I strongly recommend this short story. It's about a woman in the Victorian times who doesn't seem to fit into that whole 'ideal woman' category they had going on back then. I get the impression a lot of you would enjoy reading it.

That's the best thing about doing English at University, I've come to find so many books and poems that I never thought I would be interested in. The worst thing, however, is if you're like me and not very good at voicing your opinions then that needs practice. In my seminars I am usually quiet until I know exactly what I want to say in my head. I have been known to have a mini panic attack when I don't say anything. I'll sit there and all of a sudden my heart will beat faster, my breath will shorten and my head will go dizzy. Luckily I've managed to learn how to stop it: just keep breathing. Don't expect too much of yourself. Everyone is in the same boat.

I still seem to constantly compare myself with others. I haven't found the best society for me just yet. I've been going to a film society but it doesn't feel very 'social'. All my other friends have found a society that they do a lot with and are getting great experience from. I hate that I'm already worrying about the future, but it's even harder when it seems that everyone else knows exactly what they're doing. I'm sure that's not the case, but I'll sit in constant worry about how I'm wasting my time here, not getting the most out of it. It's hard when you don't know what to do with that. I've tried to pluck up the courage to write for the newspaper but am unable to figure out what to write about. Any suggestions would be very helpful. One of my friends is really into drama and I would go along if I wasn't so worried about the auditions as I have no idea what to expect.

One thing I have realised is Bristol University is filled with a lot of poshos. Luckily, I haven't had to endure much conversation with them as, for some reason, as soon as I say I'm from Birmingham they fuck off. I hate witnessing privileged people talk about their 'gap yahs' and be happy because 'daddy payed off their student loan in one go'. Sadly, that's what English is filled with: which was inevitable. All I can say is, whoever came up with 'It's not what you know, it's who you know' should be the ambassador of the working classes. After this degree I can already picture myself on the dole, living at home while I watch all my friends succeed. Call me a pessimist, but I call myself a realist.

Sorry for being away so long, I'll try and remember to do more. I decided to write again because I checked my blog and Rosie had written a comment about missing my posts. Thanks for that Rosie, I really appreciate it as I had lost heart with this blog recently.
Here's a present for you, my poem:

The Awakening

Are you the saint you were meant to be?

With secrets in the attic and doubts in

Your mind, which whirl and wave like the sea

Of faith, such beauty filled with sin.

What is your role, what is your claim?

The silent grief that marks your woe

Makes side remarks, who is to blame?

Yourself or the heart of your beau?

But why does it matter, it's not your part.

A cast of angels and innocents are

Obtuse and opaque compared to your art,

If only others say the life from that far.

Your choice, your gain, forget your foolish spouse,

Say goodbye to the angel in the house.

I'm rambling on...

I'm finding it quite hard to know what to do with myself right now. I'm on holiday for a week (it's half term if you didn't already know) and I should probably be doing work but it's way too soon to start that crap, right?! I'm home alone and have no idea what to do so I'm writing this and I have no plan for it. I'm currently giving Prism (the Katy Perry album) another chance. I didn't like it when I first heard it, it seems better today. I also have fallen into the Miley Cyrus trap and decided to give Bangerz a listen...and I found myself enjoying it. I have no shame. It's becoming one of those days, y'know.

Last night I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It's definitely one of my favourite films. I love the line "Why do I always fall in love with every girl I see that gives me the slightest bit of attention?" Because I find myself doing that even though I know they have no feelings towards me. I also love the idea that even if you try and forget something that happened in your life, it will always come back. Clementine and Joel are destined to know each other. It's like when people say "if you could change anything about your life, what would it be?" And believe me, I have hundreds of answers for that. But after I've realised that no matter what, what happens in your life will always happen. I can't keep looking back because life is always going forward and I'll lose it. It's like what the late Lou Reed said, “I think life is far too short to concentrate on your past. I rather look into the future.” Gah, I love him. Keep walking on the wild side buddy. (Sorry, everyone's said that so I don't feel very imaginative).

I think we have to get past the mentality that it's bad to quit. In my opinion, quitting is the heroic thing. Realising that what you're doing is useless and a waste of your time is clever. What's the point of wasting your time on something you hate when life is so short? It's like when people say life's too short to read bad books and watch bad films. Life's also too short to continue with something that is making you a worse person. To realise that you need to quit what you're doing because it's pointless/hurting you in some way/boring is the brave thing to do. I know that was random but I've been thinking about it a lot.

Jealousy is an ugly feeling. I'd say it's probably the worst feeling. Annoyingly, I get it quite a lot but recently I've been pretty good and I'm trying my best to change it. It's like my mind just fills with this black crap and I feel like utter shit. It might be because I'm so painfully paranoid which runs in my family. I feel sorry for the people around me. I feel like they must have to tread on eggshells around me. I'm really trying to get better. I really am. When I do feel jealous, I get away for a bit and breathe. I think about the situation and realise how silly I'm being. Then, hopefully, the black in my mind goes away and I feel good. Then I have a good time. Next time, I need to remember how happy I feel after I've thought it through then soon, that jealous feeling will dissapear. But just like everything that's hard to get through, it'll take time.

Prism has finished. I'm now listening to Bangerz. What have I become? I could be doing something productive now like my History or English coursework...ew...don't make me think about that. It's Monday 28th October and there's meant to be a huge storm in Britain. It's not raining at the moment in Birmingham. How disappointing. In 2005 (I think), there was a tornado in Birmingham. That was pretty cool. A tornado in Birmingham?! Who would've thought?!

I seem to be rambling on. I doubt people have read all of this. I wouldn't if it was me so I don't blame you. I've already started thinking about Christmas even though it's always pretty depressing. (BAH HUMBUG). What are you guys going to ask Father Christmas for? Because he exists. He does. 

I find myself always wanting to get drunk. I seem to always look forward to the next time I can get properly pissed. It's just some fun when you have such a boring life.

Oh, I can't wait for this year to be over.

I don't own any of these pictures...all were found on Tumblr as usual.

“Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.”

I've been on holiday with my family this week. It was great to get away from the city and see a bit of the countryside (that includes cute little bunnies hopping around in fields). It also meant I could really get into my reading. I'm currently reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles. At the moment, I can't say it's my favourite book but because of the holiday I have managed to read a lot more of it then I would have done - I'm a really slow reader. (If you would like to have a look at some of my pictures and videos from my holiday then go to my Instagram here. Try not to laugh at my embarrassing selfies).

One other thing we did was watch a lot of Seinfeld and some films. We watching Marie Antoinette (which was beautiful to look at, Sofia Coppola really has an eye for that whole 'teenage-instagram-indie' phase thing.), Lost In Translation (again) and finally Annie Hall. 

Recently I had watched a Woody Allen documentary on the TV which made me fall in love with him. I wish I had his life. He makes a film every year and doesn't care about the reviews or the box office - he only cares about what he thinks of it. I really admired that because it's sometimes hard to remember that, out of everything and everyone, you should be the main person that's happy with what you have produced in your life. But it also makes you your biggest critic - which I think we can all agree is true for most people. 

By this time, I had only watched Love and Death, Sleeper (years ago so I can't really remember it) and Midnight in Paris (which I lovvveee) so after this, I knew I needed to get watching his other films! Annie Hall, I think, will stick with me for years to come. Woody Allen is able to analyse life, and make it funny - which a lot of people can't. There's this great bit where Woody (Alvy Singer) and Diane Keaton (Annie Hall) are making lobster and they all fall to the ground and it's just a funny scene. It's then reenacted, but with a different girl and it's just not the same. The girl doesn't find him funny (he's a comedian in the film) and doesn't find the situation particularly amusing. This is an ultimate human flaw. We find one thing funny once and then try to redo it, but it's never the same. It's a big lesson that I personally need to learn (and so does Gatsby, you know, "Can't repeat the past" and all that..).

There's also another scene where Alvy and Annie are in a book shop and Alvy tells us the way he views life. My mum had already told me this quote as, after seeing this film in the 70s, she began viewing life in this way also - and now I think I do. 

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.” 

Life is hard. That's a fact. But we should be thankful that we don't have it worse. It's better to think positively, even while you are miserable, because really, everyone else is too. We're all in the same boat and we all just keep going through it because "we need the eggs".

If you haven't already seen Annie Hall, then watch it now!! Not only is it really funny (look out for the cinema scene early on, it made me laugh a lot) but it's also sad. I love films like that. It's a lot like 500 Days Of Summer - or shall I say, 500 Days Of Summer is a lot like Annie Hall.

Sorry for the overload of pictures but I couldn't choose only a few because they're all so great. Ah well, la di dah as Annie Hall would say.

I watched two films and tried to write a story.

I watched two films today: Lost in Translation and Melancholia. Both of them were extremely great but very different. Lost in Translation was beautifully shot and each sequence flowed with the next. It was surprisingly humorous amongst the feeling of loneliness which I thoroughly enjoyed. But it also seemed to be a film about two people who reject the norms of romance (monogamy). There are few films like this. I always felt that I would never get married, and even though these two characters were married, they were hating it. They felt lonely in themselves and where they were (which is why it being set in Japan was perfect). They were lost literally in translation by them not understanding Japanese but they are also lost in their own lives - this connection leads them to one another.
Melancholia was a bit different. It was also beautifully shot, filmed in Sweden, however, the cuts were very clunky. That sounds like a negative thing but it really added to the tensity of the film. It's about the end of the world so throughout my heart was beating, waiting for the inevitable to happen. It reminded me of my dream about the end of the world, which I wrote about before. In that I said it would be a great film and it was. Sadly, I wanted to be the one to film it but Lars Von Trier got there before me. It didn't have the best of reviews but I loved it. I made me reevaluate my whole life and I was left breathless by the end. That's always a good sign after watching a film.

My dad told me he's started a blog. I've read it. It's completely wordy and pretentious, which basically describes him in two words. It's all about his art and whatnot. It made me think that if he ever read my blog he would have a good laugh. Which is why I'll never show this to anyone I know and hopefully no one finds it on there own accord. I'm not embarrassed by it, just worried.

After watching Lost in Translation I felt the urge to write a little story thing. It's about loneliness but more as a teenager and how we feel lost. I'd thought I put it here. I'm very nervous to do so as I'm really bad with criticism but here you go:

The credits ran as she lay on her bed in her underwear. Another film that made her feel nothing. She stared out of the attic windows at the clouds. Another summers day spent indoors. Her phone beside her started to buzz. Another non-descript text from no one special. She'd never met anyone special. The bubbles of her coke were fizzing next to her. Another day of trading coke for food. 
She ran her fingers through her brown hair and stood up. She sat down again. She started to fiddle with the empty deodorant bottles left on her desk, putting them into a straight line. She had another sip of coke and lay back on her bed. She had very few thoughts running through her mind. This was the only opportunity she had to not fake a smile, a laugh, a conversation. Her whole life was filled with lies outside her bedroom. Not that any of it mattered. She had very few friends, she went out rarely - no one knew her. No one knew who she really was and what she really wanted to do and be. 
Her local primary school were being let out for the day. She could hear their screams and laughter from her bedroom. She stretched out her legs and felt her blanket that she's had since her primary days. She didn't know why she still has it. It's comforting maybe? It smells like her, like home. It felt soft against the soles of her feet which brought a faint smile to her face.
She liked being alone when no one else was around. She didn't feel lonely - she felt empty. Empty in a good way, as if the emptiness allowed her to be whole. To breathe. To forget about the lies. 
She sat up and found a piece of fluff in her hair. As she went to take it out, a knock began at her door. That sound ended her serenity. She left her room, forgetting about the peace she had been feeling and about the piece of fluff that was still left in her hair. 

Well, there you go. I was trying to base it on Scarlett Johansson's character Charlotte in Lost in Translation as she was constantly feeling lonely but also as if her life was a lie which allowed her to meet Bill Murray's character - Bob Harris.



I've also just had a debacle with a daddy long-legs. I'm more scared of them than spiders because of the way they fly. They either fly like they're Superman or if they're on drugs. Their spontaneity is too much for me to handle.

I had a dream about the end of the world.

source

I had a dream the other night that was actually really scary but it wasn't until last night (the night before I had two mocks and had to be up at 7) that I remembered it. Now it's been circulating in my head since. I do realise how annoying/boring it is to hear about other people's dreams but I just feel like telling you some of it.

I had a dream about the end of the world. Yeah, pretty major. But it was one of those dreams where I actually felt it was real - not necessarily for that day but another day. I now think this is going to happen one day, exactly as I dreamt it. (I know how ridiculous but I've been pretty affected by it.)
What I mainly remember is running, a lot of running, to try and find loved ones, but never being able to find them. During this time a black shadow was covering the Earth and televisions (just goes to show how much technology is in my life) were blaring out the news of the end of the world. So I was trying to run out of the shadow just so I could say goodbye to someone, but I couldn't find anyone.
It seems that I would actually be really sad about this, but I don't remember crying. I just remember trying to come to terms with it. I actually remember saying "well at least we'll all die together." Which, if you think about it, is quite nice. No one dies alone and all that soppy stuff. (Now I'm thinking about it, this would be an interesting film/book...)

So anyway, the main reason I'm telling you this is because the night after that dream I couldn't sleep. I spent most of the night thinking about where we go after we die, why we're here, what's our purpose. These are just questions I want to be answered! Why would we be here?! It doesn't make sense to me that no one knows. What is the meaning of life?! (42 - please say there are some Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy fans here). Why do they always seem to come at night? I always seem to have an out-of-body experience where I'm so freaked that I'm me and everyone else is...them. Why are we stuck in this body?

I know a lot of people have these feelings and have these questions - we all do. There's just so many questions that are, annoyingly, going to be left unanswered and for some reason this freaks me out.

(Sorry, this post was rather bizarre). ((Oh, and I fancied a new font)).

Mabel x




This is from Joseph Gordon-Levitt's book The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories.