Evening drives

I haven't been here in a while. It makes me quite sad to think I left this for nearly a month. Something I really like doing. Something that keeps my imagination blooming. Something that makes me happy. And I left it. I've started my second year of college and, to be frank, it's awful. But right now, I don't feel like talking about that. (But don't worry, some depressing, teenagery, moody posts to come!)

It's been a while since I've felt a rush of happiness. You know that feeling, when your heart flutters and you can't help but smile. By using the term 'heart flutters' it sounds like I've fallen in love with someone... Well, not today. I've not fallen in love with someone, but something. Something, meaning my hometown. I've always seen it as depressing hole of nothingness. Whenever I'm walking around or on a bus I have a feeling of dread looking at the decrepit place that is Birmingham. But this time it was different.

I've always liked evening drives. They make me feel safe and innocent. Now, it's getting colder and the evenings are getting darker and while I usually (and most people) see this as a bad thing, I've started to view it differently. At the moment I've been looking at University Open Days which is an exciting prospect (but also really, really stressful). I don't want to grow up just yet but I do want to leave Birmingham. However, when me and my dad were driving back from Manchester, I couldn't help but smile when I saw the lights shine across Birmingham. 

Music was playing in my ears. The sun had dipped behind the buildings and was soon going to be unseen. Even the rubbish, that is inevitable in a huge city, made my heart warm. And the lights, the multitudes of lights, looked like stars. I felt like a child again. Anything was possible for me in that brief period and I just couldn't stop smiling. This feeling only stayed for a few minutes but I've started to realise that every second you're happy, even if it's a really minor thing, you should try and remember it. Life is hard - everyone knows that. But sometimes it just takes an evening drive, listening to the best music, to realise where you are and what you could possibly accomplish if you put your heart to it.

I'll be strong. I'll be wrong. But life goes on.

I'm growing up guys. Not by my own accord - people are forcing me to. I'm sure you can tell by my writing that I'm basically like a thirteen year old still. Well, today, I had to get loads and loads prospectuses for Universities. Not only did I feel the stress from deciding where to go and what I want to do (preferably History). I also felt the pain from carrying all those heavy prospectuses around town in my backpack. That was not a nice feeling - my back and shoulders still hurt - hopefully I won't start associating University with that pain. 

I don't want to grow up, but, then again, I do want to go to University. The whole 'being in debt all my life' and all that has started to put me down though. I just want to get away from Birmingham. It's a grim and dark city filled with the worst people imaginable. I know I'm not going to ever get away from horrible people. However, there will always be nice people as well. Birmingham hasn't been that bad. As you know from my previous post, I do have some amazing friends. If I lived somewhere else, who knows what I'd be like? But one shouldn't spend their time thinking about what could have been and focus on the future. Hence why I'm surrounded by all these books talking about how great their University is.

Back to the point - I do want to go to University. I want to get away from my college and meet some different people, become more independent. It's a scary world. As lovely Atticus Finch said to Jem, “There's a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep 'em all away from you. That's never possible.” (I think I'm in love with Atticus). I need to focus on the positive things. I'm never going to get away from terrible things but I am going to learn and grow and live. I do have a tendency for always looking at the bad things, but surely that's just humans in general. Don't we all always focus mainly on the negative things? I'm trying to get better at looking at things differently and trying to find and want happiness. 

Don't you miss being a little kid though? They can say and do anything and people won't care. I do think that we need to grow up but I don't think we should completely lose our childlike tendencies. I still manage to do some weird things in public. My mum came back from a conference thing in Cambridge and we collected her from the train station. So, when I saw her from afar, in front of everyone, I ran in slow motion towards her really weirdly and I just didn't care what people would think of me. I love moments like that. When you don't care about anyone, you're just enjoying yourself. These little moments are things that everyone should hold on to. We were all children once - why let it go? Why grow up too quickly? Why decide that what you used to do is immature? Just be (as Paloma Faith would say).