My youth is gone like a dream...

I finally turned 18 last week! I'm an adult! That must mean that I won't be posting any more blog posts moaning about life...oh wait, I'm still technically a 'teen' and everyone moans about life, not just teenagers, right? Other than turning 18, I've also gone past my 1 year anniversary of having this blog and, oh god, do I moan a lot. But, everyone knows, and seems to forget, it's hard growing up. I had the nicest email from Rosalindis last week and it made me realise that I'm not alone in my struggles and that's comforting for me. If anyone else would like to send me an email about anything (nothing rude though) then my email is at the bottom of my blog.

I do know how lucky I am. I have great friends and through that I have been able to do amazing things with them. One of my friends, for my birthday, got me loads of photographs of our fun times together. While my family were looking through them, each one said how lucky I was and they never had a teenage life like it. I know. I'm super lucky. That doesn't mean that things still don't get me down. Everyone feels down at some point. College gets too stressful or your friends are having an argument. Either way, we all want somewhere to vent...weirdly enough, I choose to do that online where anyone and everyone can read it.

Rosie also said something that made me scream in my head "YES, YES, YES! You get it!" "I guess going over the top is the whole point of being a teenager. If we cant be radical now, then when can we?!" We're all a bunch of mopey teenagers that feel like they have something to say and want to say it. What's the harm in that? And that idea has been going on for centuries. I'm currently doing coursework comparing Charlotte Bronte's 'Jane Eyre' with Jean Rhys' 'Wide Sargasso Sea' and both of those authors were incredibly grumpy. They lived with their heart of their sleeve. My favourite quote by Charlotte Bronte was when it was her birthday she wrote, "My youth is gone like a dream; and very little use have I ever made of it." I like to think that we're all wearing our hearts on our sleeves like Charlotte.

Jean Rhys also said one of my favourite quotes,

 “When I was excited about life, I didn't want to write at all. I've never written when I was happy. I didn't want to. But I've never had a long period of being happy, Do you think anyone has? I think you can be peaceful for a long time, When I think about it, if I had to choose, I'd rather be happy than write. You see, there's very little invention in my books. What came first with most of them was the wish to get rid of this awful sadness that weighed me down . I found when I was a child that if I could put the hurt into words, it would go. It leaves a sort of melancholy behind and then it goes.” 

Whenever I write, it's usually because I'm unhappy about something and want to be rid of it. Jean has literally managed to get my whole concept of writing this blog in a paragraph, and I love her for it. I like to think that each generation of teenage girls are filled with hopeless romantics like Jean, Charlotte, me, the people who read my blog and the people I follow. It's not that we're not 'lucky' it's just sometimes life gets us down and we like to write about it. We might over-emphasise a factor of something, but isn't that just to engage the reader more? Isn't that what you do when you're a hopeless romantic? So many people have made a living out of it so we must be doing something right.

The obsession with 'cool'

Why is everyone obsessed with being cool? If someone isn't cool, people make out that they're not worth talking to. If you don't wear certain clothes, listen to specific music or say the 'coolest' things, then that ultimately means you're not cool. This obsession leaves me filled with anxiety when I do something that I know most people don't see as cool and then I don't know what people want from me! Surely the idea of 'cool' should be an opinion. There's no specific way to be cool because, for me, I see things as cool that no other people would. 

 Next Saturday I'm going to see Taylor Swift. Now, I know Rookie and Tavi love Taylor Swift. Lorde is friends with Taylor Swift. The Vaccines are fans of Taylor Swift. Nearly every magazine and newspaper are positive about Taylor Swift. But everyone else doesn't think she's cool. To be honest, I don't necessarily think her music is cool but that's not why I like her. I'm not so obsessed with my appearance or the way people think of me to stop not liking things just because they're not 'cool' in other people's eyes. But I still constantly feel judged. For me, the 22 music video is cool. I want to have friends that dance to cheesy songs, eat loads of cake and pizza and just have a fun time not caring about anyone else. Instead, I constantly feel ridiculed by what I like.

Why can't people forget about their 'coolness' for a while and just have a good time? I think it may be because of who I'm with. People at my college are obsessed with being cool. The way they talk in a really 'hoity toity' (never thought I'd ever use that phrase) way. The way they look at everyone else as if they're much better. The way they actively don't talk to people or make an effort with people just because they're not there version of cool. It makes me sick. 

What's even more annoying is that this idea of cool changes so often. People I know change their opinions so often to fit in with what's cool. Don't get me wrong, I do this too. I change my opinion all the time, but not so it can fit under the category of cool. I just feel that it's hard being a teenager. We already have stress with exams, why create more stress by inventing what's cool and what isn't. Why can't we just like whatever we want without being constantly ridiculed. 

However, what I have also realised is that even the idea of coolness is mocked. I rarely like music from nowadays apart from Taylor Swift and a few exceptions. But I do really like stuff from the 60s, 70s and 80s. The other day I was discussing what music I liked (music seems to be the highest point of what is cool) and I mentioned that I rarely like contemporary music. This came with a sarcastic comment, "oooo you're so indie and hipster." Probably one of the worst things ever to hear at my age, but again, I don't see why. WE CAN NEVER WIN. I don't like the music I like just because it's cool, I like it because it's great and it makes me feel good. Surely that should be why we like things, not because it's cool but because it makes us feel gooooood. 

I wouldn't see my blog as cool, but someone else might. My brother looked at it (without my consent) and mentioned how it was cool but I've never really thought about it. I write about what I'm interested in, what I think others would like to hear and what is circling in my brain at the time. That may be 'cool' but I don't mean it to be. This just seems to add to another stress of being a teenager that I can not be bothered to deal with. Leave a comment if you feel the same as me or have any stories about 'coolness'. As usual, thanks for reading pals.

I'll be strong. I'll be wrong. But life goes on.

I'm growing up guys. Not by my own accord - people are forcing me to. I'm sure you can tell by my writing that I'm basically like a thirteen year old still. Well, today, I had to get loads and loads prospectuses for Universities. Not only did I feel the stress from deciding where to go and what I want to do (preferably History). I also felt the pain from carrying all those heavy prospectuses around town in my backpack. That was not a nice feeling - my back and shoulders still hurt - hopefully I won't start associating University with that pain. 

I don't want to grow up, but, then again, I do want to go to University. The whole 'being in debt all my life' and all that has started to put me down though. I just want to get away from Birmingham. It's a grim and dark city filled with the worst people imaginable. I know I'm not going to ever get away from horrible people. However, there will always be nice people as well. Birmingham hasn't been that bad. As you know from my previous post, I do have some amazing friends. If I lived somewhere else, who knows what I'd be like? But one shouldn't spend their time thinking about what could have been and focus on the future. Hence why I'm surrounded by all these books talking about how great their University is.

Back to the point - I do want to go to University. I want to get away from my college and meet some different people, become more independent. It's a scary world. As lovely Atticus Finch said to Jem, “There's a lot of ugly things in this world, son. I wish I could keep 'em all away from you. That's never possible.” (I think I'm in love with Atticus). I need to focus on the positive things. I'm never going to get away from terrible things but I am going to learn and grow and live. I do have a tendency for always looking at the bad things, but surely that's just humans in general. Don't we all always focus mainly on the negative things? I'm trying to get better at looking at things differently and trying to find and want happiness. 

Don't you miss being a little kid though? They can say and do anything and people won't care. I do think that we need to grow up but I don't think we should completely lose our childlike tendencies. I still manage to do some weird things in public. My mum came back from a conference thing in Cambridge and we collected her from the train station. So, when I saw her from afar, in front of everyone, I ran in slow motion towards her really weirdly and I just didn't care what people would think of me. I love moments like that. When you don't care about anyone, you're just enjoying yourself. These little moments are things that everyone should hold on to. We were all children once - why let it go? Why grow up too quickly? Why decide that what you used to do is immature? Just be (as Paloma Faith would say).