The green eyed monster inside me

It was my last day of college today. Two years of boredom and unhappiness have finished in a flash. I remember myself two years ago. I thought everything would change for me. Thanks to college, I now don't get my hopes up for anything - it means I'm never fully disappointed. But I'm the type of person that feels so much, while I experience so little. Perhaps I don't take enough risks. Perhaps I'm too shy. Either way, I'm very underwhelmed by it all.

I'm a hopeless romantic who's hopeless with love. I've gone through life watching everyone else experience the things I want to do, but I've just stayed put. Instead, I feed my emotions with exaggerated shit just to feel something new. Romantic films, books, music. You name it, I've used it. My mind has been drowned with romanticised views on love that will never happen, so I'm constantly let down. While I've stopped getting my hopes up, when I see it happening around me, I get so jealous it's hard to hide it.

I read something this week by a nurse who recorded the most common regrets of people on their deathbeds.  One which stuck with me was 'I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.' To me, that means taking risks. Opening up with people, but I always stay so guarded. I felt I took a major risk going to a different college to my friends, but that turned out to be foolish. In turn, no one knew the real me while I was there. I never made 'friends for life', in fact, I disliked most of the people. I know that was my own fault.

It's like one huge cycle. I take a risk, I close off, I dislike the people, I notice other people make friends, I get jealous. But we're all learning. It's all human nature, but in return, we learn from these mistakes. However, from looking at my past notebook entries, I don't always change. It's funny to see I've written the same things down from 5 years ago, 3 years ago to now. History, for me, really is repeating itself.

I still have my exams left, but technically I'm done. "The end of an era" is a common thing I've heard from people. Really though? Two years and nothing happened.Well, I did find a new love for David Lynch. I started to fully appreciate more literature. I realised that my parent's music really is a cut above the rest. But most of all, I did grow up. I am a different person despite my inexperiences. One person who has experienced one thing, may not have experienced what I have. We're all different and I need to stop comparing myself with you all...and you're the same.

 

Writer's block

I have a severe case of writer's block and have for a few weeks now. I'm currently home alone on a Thursday night and I have just watched the last episode of Girls series three and now I'm sad. I also have this constant worry about exams which are in eight weeks time but yet I do nothing. I don't ever fancy coming home after crappy college and then going straight into work again. But, who does? As my mad Gran said this morning, "We all have to do things we don't want to do." (She's crazy and selfish so I was surprised by these wise words).
I haven't been able to think of any good ideas for a new blog post. The last post I was happy with was the one about being 'cool' but since then, my morale has just spiraled down. I miss my blog when I first started and I was talking to all you guys and we would give each other awards but now I feel closed off. I miss talking to you and giving advice and asking for advice. I always seem to do that. As soon as I feel comfortable, I start slipping away and need to be dragged back. So if anyone fancies a chat, then I'm up for it. I'm always here.

All photos from tumblr of course.

Fake it 'til you make it?

I'm quite a shy person when it comes to talking to new people. If I'm surrounded by others, then I won't be. It's a strange thing, but I seem to be more confident with people than on my own.  Maybe they're a kind of support for me? I don't know. But one thing I do hear often is the phrase - 'Fake it 'til you make it'. And I've struggled to understand it. If you're already shy, how are you able to 'fake it' in the first place?

If I have to have a one to one meeting with a teacher or something, I automatically feel nervous about it. No matter what it is. In the past, they haven't gone well (with me ending up crying) so maybe I'm haunted by the past. But anyway, yesterday, I had to talk to my vice-principle about something and before going in I had 'fake it 'til you make it' circling in my head. I walked in. Sat down. And fought for what I wanted. I came out and my face was bright red, but at least I didn't cry. Maybe it was because the man I was talking to was really patronising and I felt that I had to show him that I can speak up for myself. Or maybe I did in fact....fake it. Either way, I got the outcome I wanted.

But in the past I've pondered on this phenomenon. It doesn't make sense to me that someone who is naturally shy would be able to fake it. I have some sassy friends who repeat that phrase to me but ever since I've known them, they've always been confident - they couldn't have been faking it when they were eight...could they? I feel so much admiration for them, because to me, being sassy with teachers is hard, but they get their way. I'm confident at home, with my friends, outside of school. But there's something about college/school that makes me quieter.

College is a place, for me, where I go in, get the stuff done and leave. I work hard and in return, I don't want it to stress me out - even though it of course will. I don't want to be embarrassed by getting a question wrong and I don't want to annoy teachers by pestering them about stupid little things. However, this year, I've started doing those things. Every Friday I go and pester my tutor to ask if I have to go to tutorial that day and even if the outcome isn't what I wanted, I'm pleased I did it. I still rarely ask teachers for help but I do have a rapport with them, which is hard in a class of thirty.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that, I don't think I'm 'faking it', I think I'm growing up. Talking to grown ups gets easier once you get older and I seem to have only realised that after my meeting yesterday. I'm actually so proud of myself. My 15 year old self would have given in but here I am, two years on and I now have less stress to deal with. I don't think I'm going to suddenly become really confident in classes but I'll get there in the end. It turns out instead of faking it, I have to wait to make it.

HELP ME OUT!!

Guys, I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I've been asked to write an article for my college magazine and I have no idea what to do it on. I currently have zero ideas and I'm having no inspiration. 

My dad has tried to give me some ideas (like a film script, and some other stupid ideas about needed the loo..but I won't drag you into that). But a film script doesn't feel...collegey (if that's a word). It sounds like a perfect thing to write for RookieMag or something. I know what the college magazine want, they want boring dribble. 

My mum also tried to throw a few ideas into the mix like a 'What to expect when you got to University Open Days' and I a little bit of sick went into my mouth. Writing that would be so dull and I couldn't make it good. 

So this is just a short post to see if you guys could help me with some ideas!! (Right now I'm meant to be making notes for my English coursework on a feminist criticism of A Streetcar Named Desire - THE BEST PLAY EVER!!) 

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. Any ideas would be grand!!!!!!!