The Other Side

It's a week today since my last exam. I've spent my freedom reading, thinking and going out 'til 4am with my friends. I guess, at 18, I finally feel like a proper teenager. But all these late nights have finally caught up on me and I'm tired all the time. I guess it's good I decided to save the late nights until after college. It seems I have this weird thing where I think I'm different to how I actually am. I think I'm better and I ooze that confidence when I'm out, but it doesn't fit. It's not my personality, but my looks. I just can't decide if it's a good thing or not?

We will never be able to see ourselves, only our reflections and pictures - to me, that seems really strange. I wouldn't ever say I'm the best looking person, because I'm not, I've never thought that, but I do always think I'm better than I actually am. When I walk down the street, I don't think about my chunky thighs banging together, or my round tummy wobbling. I imagine myself as someone else, someone that doesn't exist, someone with a lot of confidence, who can get up in the morning and leave the house with a smile on their face. I don't do it in order to do those things, I just naturally picture myself like that. Sadly, you can imagine my disappointment when I expect so much but get so little because of my imagination.

You can imagine my shock when I see photographs of myself, or I look in the mirror. But even then, I don't hate myself. But I don't change myself when I know I can and probably should. I have one life, or so they say, and this is what I'm trapped in. I think this persona I have in my mind is me, just not who I'm projecting.  Sometimes I feel like unzipping this current layer and stepping out as the person I assume I am - but it's never that easy. It seems this is similar to the 'fake it 'til you make it' saying - perhaps this is what I'm doing. Or maybe I'm just mental.

Perhaps I don't ooze this confidence, but I feel like I do. I'm an introvert, sometimes. It always depends who I'm with. With my friends, I breakout of my shell and this is when I'm this 'other' person. I do like to think that this must be the real me. I feel like this is what Allen Ginsberg was like, or maybe he really was just a confident, pretentious twat. Or the same with any other poet, writer. I feel like you need this other side of yourself because without it, will be ever have art with meaning? If people were fully their confident type, art would be selfish. Without confidence, we would live a lifeless existence without literature to get us through it.

Well, I don't know where my mind is going with this. I didn't plan for that ending, that's for sure. Maybe it's because I recently finished an amazing book (The Song Of Achilles by Madeline Miller) which I think you should all read. If you've read a really good book recently, please recommend it to me, I'm in need, now I've finished my book, I don't really know what to do with myself. Also, now I've finished with my a levels, maybe you'll be seeing more of me...or maybe I'll still be stuck in my writer's block. Either way, keep sending me messages to inspire me please.

(Just had to, look at that moustache - oh and relationship like Paul and Linda's please: favourite song at the moment.)

The green eyed monster inside me

It was my last day of college today. Two years of boredom and unhappiness have finished in a flash. I remember myself two years ago. I thought everything would change for me. Thanks to college, I now don't get my hopes up for anything - it means I'm never fully disappointed. But I'm the type of person that feels so much, while I experience so little. Perhaps I don't take enough risks. Perhaps I'm too shy. Either way, I'm very underwhelmed by it all.

I'm a hopeless romantic who's hopeless with love. I've gone through life watching everyone else experience the things I want to do, but I've just stayed put. Instead, I feed my emotions with exaggerated shit just to feel something new. Romantic films, books, music. You name it, I've used it. My mind has been drowned with romanticised views on love that will never happen, so I'm constantly let down. While I've stopped getting my hopes up, when I see it happening around me, I get so jealous it's hard to hide it.

I read something this week by a nurse who recorded the most common regrets of people on their deathbeds.  One which stuck with me was 'I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.' To me, that means taking risks. Opening up with people, but I always stay so guarded. I felt I took a major risk going to a different college to my friends, but that turned out to be foolish. In turn, no one knew the real me while I was there. I never made 'friends for life', in fact, I disliked most of the people. I know that was my own fault.

It's like one huge cycle. I take a risk, I close off, I dislike the people, I notice other people make friends, I get jealous. But we're all learning. It's all human nature, but in return, we learn from these mistakes. However, from looking at my past notebook entries, I don't always change. It's funny to see I've written the same things down from 5 years ago, 3 years ago to now. History, for me, really is repeating itself.

I still have my exams left, but technically I'm done. "The end of an era" is a common thing I've heard from people. Really though? Two years and nothing happened.Well, I did find a new love for David Lynch. I started to fully appreciate more literature. I realised that my parent's music really is a cut above the rest. But most of all, I did grow up. I am a different person despite my inexperiences. One person who has experienced one thing, may not have experienced what I have. We're all different and I need to stop comparing myself with you all...and you're the same.

 

Inside a lazy person's mind

I saw 'Inside Llewyn Davis' last night and it seems that the Coen Brothers have done it again. Their parents must be so fucking proud. I now long to live in New York and write films, however, I doubt that will ever happen. Unlike the Joel Coen, I didn't work at the age of eight to save up to buy a camera and then make remakes of films I had already seen. Instead, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Who does at the age of eight? I went from pop star, to hairdresser, to writer (to be honest I still want to be this) to actress (and this). I change my mind so often that I've started to put off things because I think I'll change my mind again. Or maybe I put off things because I'm lazy...that seems more likely.

Everything for Llewyn Davis was just going wrong. No one would buy his music. Everyone around him was doing well. And he just spent his time finding sofas to sleep on for the night at someone's house. I felt so much empathy for him. I constantly feel like everyone else is doing so well and I'm stuck in a rut. Perhaps everyone feels this way - which I can see to be true. But even though everything seemed to be going wrong for Llewyn, he never seemed to give up. Not properly anyway. I, however, give up on things very easily. Even if I enjoy them. If they take up too much time, I'll stop doing it. If it's hard work, I'll stop doing it. Yes, it seems I am the epitome of a lazy person.

Maybe if I lived in New York it would be different. Maybe if I saw everyone else around me looking like they have a purpose I would keep going. Llewyn may have had it bad, but at least he didn't live in Birmingham. It would be a dream to even visit New York. But I also feel that there's no use having high hopes because they're more likely to crash and burn and make you feel worse. I, instead, make out that everything is going to be rubbish. A party. A result. A college day. So that when it happens, it's not as bad as I thought. If that makes me a pessimist, at least I get happy from the outcome.

Even though I know I'm lazy and I give up, I still keep doing it. However, when I'm 80 years old, I don't think I'll feel like I did nothing with my life. Not everyone can be Nelson Mandela. We must look at the small victories. For example, at the moment, my blog makes me feel like I'm doing something productive. It's helping my writing and the comments make me feel like I'm helping people. I just feel like people need to know they're not the only ones feeling the way they do, so that's why I write honest blog posts. So far, I've done this for nearly a year and I've kept up with it. I've had rocky moments but I've always come back.

Anyway, I highly recommend that you go and see Inside Llewyn Davis. It's perfect. The music in it was so amazing to watch, instead of cutting it half way through, they play the whole song. The best scene though is definitely when Oscar Isaac, Justin Timberlake and Adam Driver sing a song called 'Please Mr Kennedy.' Me and my brother have been singing it for nearly a week now and it never gets old. It's on youtube if you want to check it out - it won't ruin the film for you. The film is just really funny and relatable. Life's tough.

All pictures from Tumblr, you can tell I'm lazy because I can't be bothered to get the specific links... Maybe instead of Mabel's Mind, my blog url should be 'lazypersonsmind'