Observations from my younger self

When I was younger I used to stare at the clouds as we went on long car journeys. They would always float perfectly adjacent to the road in the horizon. I always thought that if we just kept driving, we'd reach that improbable joining and accompany a cloud. But we never did. The road would get longer and longer, but the joint would stay in the same position it always did - just so far that we could never reach it and we could never float away. 

Taken by me

Riot Grrrl

From looking on Rookie, I know what the Riot Grrrl movement is. I've always felt empowered by the way they talk about, however, I've never felt strong enough to stand up for it. Recently I heard a radio programme which made me realise - it needs to come back. 

I could never do it justice with my writing so if you would like to hear it (PLEASE DO) then click here.  

Riot Grrrl changed a generation. It made women realise that we're not in competition with each other, we've just been told that subconsciously through our childhood. Females should stick together and fight for one another's rights! By doing so we must RIOT! (not diet).  

I'm planning on getting some Bikini Kill, Huggy Bear etc albums to really spur me on. Right now, I've changed my blog title to Grrrl Afraid as two things: 

• a homage to The Smiths.
•  But also, because I feel I am a 'Riot Grrrl' at heart, I just need that final push to make me less afraid of speaking what I feel and standing up for what is right!

"That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighbourhood - I got news for you, she is!"

If you want to learn more, literally type Riot Grrrl into Google Images. The pictures are really inspiring and have urged me to get angry!

LET'S SMASH PATRIARCHY TOGETHER!

I watched two films and tried to write a story.

I watched two films today: Lost in Translation and Melancholia. Both of them were extremely great but very different. Lost in Translation was beautifully shot and each sequence flowed with the next. It was surprisingly humorous amongst the feeling of loneliness which I thoroughly enjoyed. But it also seemed to be a film about two people who reject the norms of romance (monogamy). There are few films like this. I always felt that I would never get married, and even though these two characters were married, they were hating it. They felt lonely in themselves and where they were (which is why it being set in Japan was perfect). They were lost literally in translation by them not understanding Japanese but they are also lost in their own lives - this connection leads them to one another.
Melancholia was a bit different. It was also beautifully shot, filmed in Sweden, however, the cuts were very clunky. That sounds like a negative thing but it really added to the tensity of the film. It's about the end of the world so throughout my heart was beating, waiting for the inevitable to happen. It reminded me of my dream about the end of the world, which I wrote about before. In that I said it would be a great film and it was. Sadly, I wanted to be the one to film it but Lars Von Trier got there before me. It didn't have the best of reviews but I loved it. I made me reevaluate my whole life and I was left breathless by the end. That's always a good sign after watching a film.

My dad told me he's started a blog. I've read it. It's completely wordy and pretentious, which basically describes him in two words. It's all about his art and whatnot. It made me think that if he ever read my blog he would have a good laugh. Which is why I'll never show this to anyone I know and hopefully no one finds it on there own accord. I'm not embarrassed by it, just worried.

After watching Lost in Translation I felt the urge to write a little story thing. It's about loneliness but more as a teenager and how we feel lost. I'd thought I put it here. I'm very nervous to do so as I'm really bad with criticism but here you go:

The credits ran as she lay on her bed in her underwear. Another film that made her feel nothing. She stared out of the attic windows at the clouds. Another summers day spent indoors. Her phone beside her started to buzz. Another non-descript text from no one special. She'd never met anyone special. The bubbles of her coke were fizzing next to her. Another day of trading coke for food. 
She ran her fingers through her brown hair and stood up. She sat down again. She started to fiddle with the empty deodorant bottles left on her desk, putting them into a straight line. She had another sip of coke and lay back on her bed. She had very few thoughts running through her mind. This was the only opportunity she had to not fake a smile, a laugh, a conversation. Her whole life was filled with lies outside her bedroom. Not that any of it mattered. She had very few friends, she went out rarely - no one knew her. No one knew who she really was and what she really wanted to do and be. 
Her local primary school were being let out for the day. She could hear their screams and laughter from her bedroom. She stretched out her legs and felt her blanket that she's had since her primary days. She didn't know why she still has it. It's comforting maybe? It smells like her, like home. It felt soft against the soles of her feet which brought a faint smile to her face.
She liked being alone when no one else was around. She didn't feel lonely - she felt empty. Empty in a good way, as if the emptiness allowed her to be whole. To breathe. To forget about the lies. 
She sat up and found a piece of fluff in her hair. As she went to take it out, a knock began at her door. That sound ended her serenity. She left her room, forgetting about the peace she had been feeling and about the piece of fluff that was still left in her hair. 

Well, there you go. I was trying to base it on Scarlett Johansson's character Charlotte in Lost in Translation as she was constantly feeling lonely but also as if her life was a lie which allowed her to meet Bill Murray's character - Bob Harris.



I've also just had a debacle with a daddy long-legs. I'm more scared of them than spiders because of the way they fly. They either fly like they're Superman or if they're on drugs. Their spontaneity is too much for me to handle.

Questions left unanswered

As you guys probably all know, Cory Monteith passed away a few days ago. I was a big fan of Glee and he was always my favourite character but he also seemed like a really great guy in real life. I think that's why this has really freaked me out. I haven't stopped thinking about it since it happened. I feel so sorry for all his family and friends (and of course Lea Michele). It was just so sudden and that's what's made me think how fragile life is. 

For most days I spend my time lying on the sofa, watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians (I know, I'm sorry) but it's not very fulfilling. If today was my last day and all I'd done was that, I'm not sure I'd be very happy. However, I still can't see myself changing. Cory's death has affected me in a weird way (more than Amy Winehouse's death) but I'm not the sort of person that would change. I'm lazy. I'm stubborn. I'm shy. I'm scared. All these things make me take the easy route in life and today, the easy route is lying on the sofa. 

Was Cory happy? Did he want to go that way? I hate that we have no choices about it and we have no idea. These thoughts are the kind of things that keep me up at night. Where do we go? My mum always says how she's not afraid of death because she thinks it'll just be a long sleep and that's her favourite hobby. As much as I like that answer, I'm not satisfied! I don't want my life to just suddenly end. I know everyone has these thoughts but with everything that has recently happened it's made it so much stronger for me. 

While I'm writing this I am in my pyjamas, lying down on the sofa with my laptop on my stomach while watching Friends. This is the extent of my life. To be fair, I am on holiday and I've been ill. But maybe I'm just making up excuses for myself? Maybe I need to just go out and do. Not to be cliche but maybe I should 'live each day like it's my last'. Or maybe, I could carry on like this because that's my personality. I'm lazy, stubborn, shy and scared. Maybe I should just deal with that or embrace that? 

If I've been affected by Cory's death then I can't help but think what his family and friends are going through. I hate that death just leads to a path of misery for everyone. You would've thought that because it's been happening for millions of years we would get used to it. But we never do. 

Holiday moodboard thing

I'm finally on holiday! Well, I have been for a week now but I still have that euphoria feeling. All I've done this week is read, watch tv, sleep, read, watch youtube videos, visit Sheffield (possible University place), watch more tv and laze around. Oh yeah, and I went to an outdoor cinema and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's. So really, it hasn't been too bad. And the weather has been great, even if I haven't spent much time in it, I can appreciate it. 

I thought I would do a 'moodboard'. Enjoy...(all of these are taken from Tumblr..of course)

(I wish I knew this guy)

                                         

                      

   

A very fictional sleepover

If you could have any fictional character at a sleepover, who would it be? I've chosen a few and now I just wish it could happen one day...

Angela Chase

I would like to think that me and Angela are the same person. She sometimes says the most profound things and they always stick in your head. She also has quite a crazy life but then it's also really boring at the same time and I like that. I feel like my life can sometimes be like that. And, hey, she's in love with Jared Leto and who doesn't want to stay up all night talking about boys and dancing to the best music?

Hannah Horvath 

She's dramatic, funny, a bit selfish and she doesn't care about getting naked in front of her friends. You can just tell she'd be fun at a sleepover. She'd probably also say things that really boost your self-esteem like "When I look at both of you, a Coldplay song plays in my heart." Oh, and she likes to dance around her room alone at night.

Bridget Jones

She's a loser like me. Whenever I watch Bridget Jones' Diary I can't help but wish I was in her group of friends. That sounds so weird because they're not exactly the greatest friends but they're just really funny. And hellooooo she's practically married to Mark Darcy (Colin Firth) and I have a hugeeee crush on him.

Audrey Horne

I think Audrey may be my biggest girl crush. She has killer eyebrows and a killer personality. I love the way she goes out and does - she doesn't wait around for no man! If she came, I could borrow all her clothes and practically become her. She's also a tiny bit mad which is always fun at a sleepover... 

Eponine

Eponine is me. She is the epitome of unrequited love and if you knew me...I am too. She has so much feeling and desire that I can't help but think she'd be perfect at a sleepover. She could tell us all stories of France during the revolution but also, she won't be bored of talking about the boys we fancy (I like to do that at sleepovers okay?! You can't blame me, I am a Taylor Swift fan). She would also sing for us...imagine that...

Jess Day

She's fun and would think of the best games to play ever. She also likes Taylor Swift and wouldn't mind just singing to her all night. I love her 'dorkiness' (I hate that word) and I would probably also describe myself as a 'dork'. She doesn't care what people think about her and everyone needs a person like that in their life. 

Rose Pamphyle

Rose is charming, funny and French. She'd make us smile all night and this sleepover is all about having fun and keeping happy. She would also be able to show us her fast typing skills...

I feel like I could definitely go on and maybe next time I'll add a few men. I was going to say Atticus Finch but I'm not sure he would enjoy a sleepover as he's 50 and would probably enjoy an early night. Wow. I've gone mad. I'm acting like this would be real but wouldn't it be amazing if it was? 

Anyway, I'm nearly finished with college (ONE MORE DAY) so I'm not actually feeling too bad this week. I hope you enjoyed my rather...weird post. I'm normally writing about the meaning of life and dreams and just a lot of 'enlightening' stuff. However, today I feel like discussing sleepovers.

Who would you have at your sleepover? Feel free to leave it in a comment!

(Obviously I didn't take any of those photos..)